politics | Britain For The Brutish

June 11, 2015

Chancellor George Osborne announces government stake in loom bands to be sold

As well as selling off its 80% stake in RBS, Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has announced the government will also be selling off its 95% stake in loom bands.

The announcement came today in his annual Mansion House speech. The government initially ran up a £26 billion deficit investing in what a financial advisors deemed, “a sure thing”. The government purchased the shares at £3 per share at the beginning of the 2014 summer holidays. Shortly after September the shares plummeted to 35p per share. Institutional investors interested in the remaining stock include Tamagotchi creators Bandai, the distributors behind Scoobies and Pet Rock entrepreneur, Dwayne Johnson.

Loom Bands were projected as a “safe bet” a year ago

The proposed sale is expected to stimulate growth in the failing loom band industry and instil confidence in the main consumer demographic. Mr Osborne said: “Yes, we may have jumped the gun, yes, we may have put too much faith in an unstable industry, yes, we may have trusted the wrong individuals, but the growth of our economy depends on not losing an ounce of reliance in something we’ve invested in so heavily.”

The confirmed privatisation is said to act as a stimulant for competition and protect taxpayers from having to bailout a key cornerstone of British society.

Kerry Whitehall, aged 6, commented: “Loom bands aren’t cool, everyone had them last year but no one cares about them anymore”. Investment research site, Morningstar, suggest the government pool their assets into more liquid markets such as Frozen merchandise. With a sequel already announced, senior Labour MPs have suggested nationalising shares in the Disney movie would be considered, “a stable long-term solution with no foreseeable downsides”.

June 1, 2015

Enrique Iglesias attacked in US drone strike

Spanish singer, Enrique Iglesias, has become the most recent casualty of aggressive American foreign policy. During a concert in Mexico City the singer-songwriter, attempted to cease the strike in a defiant act of freedom-fighting. Iglesias suffered near-fatal lacerations to his fingers but continued the show as a protest to his attackers. According to Iglesias’ spokesman, he – “had no idea Enrique posed such a threat to American ideology,” stating that “his themes of sexual lust and love, are too powerful for American audiences.”

This isn’t the first time Iglesias has been the centre of controversy. In 2001, The King of Latin Pop, released his scathing political protest hit “Hero”, that topped the charts. American Secretary of Defence at the time, Donald Rumsfeld, commented – “the only heroes we need in America are our armed forces, whom we respect and trust as a nation”. The song went on to become an anthem for the anti-war movement and went on to win several awards. Convicted music producer, Phil Spector, called the single – “a weapon of mass production”.

Imitations of Iglesias’ iconic t-shirt have already outsold Che Guevara merchandise worldwide

Iglesias was rushed to hospital in Los Angeles where he is now under heavy surveillance following the expiration of US anti-terror surveillance laws. Fans and activists have taken to wearing red-stained t-shirts as a mark of solidarity.

May 27, 2015

50 Shades Author, E. L. James, to pen “Coalition Musical” for West End

Controversial author, E. L. James, has teamed up with prolific art-house director Werner Herzog to pen the stage play based on the five-year coalition between Prime Minister, David Cameron, and extracurricular policy onlooker, Nick Clegg. Under the working title ‘C♂alition’, James has been researching her new project for the past five years, working under an alias as Chief Secretary to the Treasury. The upcoming West End show is said to track the masochistic journey from Sheffield Hallam to Downing Street, following its descent into domination, humiliation and submissive conditioning.

“The story of a plucky young professional being seduced by a man in a position of power is a tale as old as time,” James said. “I’ve handled with great subtlety and approached it as a tasteful talking point for middle-aged women around the watercooler.”

Gyllenhaal & McIntyre set to portray the tumultuous pair.

Maggie Gyllenhaal has been slated to return to the stage in the lead role of Clegg and Herzog has reportedly been in talks with Michael McIntyre to make his West End debut as Cameron.