Britain For The Brutish

June 11, 2015

Chancellor George Osborne announces government stake in loom bands to be sold

As well as selling off its 80% stake in RBS, Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has announced the government will also be selling off its 95% stake in loom bands.

The announcement came today in his annual Mansion House speech. The government initially ran up a £26 billion deficit investing in what a financial advisors deemed, “a sure thing”. The government purchased the shares at £3 per share at the beginning of the 2014 summer holidays. Shortly after September the shares plummeted to 35p per share. Institutional investors interested in the remaining stock include Tamagotchi creators Bandai, the distributors behind Scoobies and Pet Rock entrepreneur, Dwayne Johnson.

Loom Bands were projected as a “safe bet” a year ago

The proposed sale is expected to stimulate growth in the failing loom band industry and instil confidence in the main consumer demographic. Mr Osborne said: “Yes, we may have jumped the gun, yes, we may have put too much faith in an unstable industry, yes, we may have trusted the wrong individuals, but the growth of our economy depends on not losing an ounce of reliance in something we’ve invested in so heavily.”

The confirmed privatisation is said to act as a stimulant for competition and protect taxpayers from having to bailout a key cornerstone of British society.

Kerry Whitehall, aged 6, commented: “Loom bands aren’t cool, everyone had them last year but no one cares about them anymore”. Investment research site, Morningstar, suggest the government pool their assets into more liquid markets such as Frozen merchandise. With a sequel already announced, senior Labour MPs have suggested nationalising shares in the Disney movie would be considered, “a stable long-term solution with no foreseeable downsides”.

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June 3, 2015

US daycare nurseries celebrate graduates from Class of 2015

American daycare nurseries up and down the country are beginning to celebrate the transition from nursery to kindergarten. The US Federal School Board said – “it is a milestone for the education of our children, and they should be rewarded for their efforts”. Valedictorian for Flowerpetal Daycare, Tracy Sullivan, is graduating with a joint diploma in Building Blocks and Teething. Her mother, Miranda Sullivan, expressed that she is incredibly glad that her infant is finally getting the recognition she deserves.

The Board of Education believe this is a momentous milestone in a child’s education

“I want the best for my child, just like any parent. If Tracy is going to be successful and get into an Ivy League college, it’s crucial she starts getting experience now. Three-years-old is the best time to start padding out your resume and to prove that you’re a winner.”

Former alumnus, David Schwimmer, is set to address the daycare centre with a commencement speech on the 8th July 2015.

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June 2, 2015

16-year-old wunderkind philosopher discovers he “was born in the wrong generation”

Budding philosopher, Marcus Benton (16), has been claimed to be one of the greatest thinkers of our time. His academic career initially found its feet when he posed the ground-breaking question, “what happens when we die?”. Having been described by his friends and close family as “quirky” and “random”, Benton determined he was destined for greatness. He has been praised nationally for his existential thinking, coining famous theories that spanned from “why do we exist?” to “what’s the point, we’re all just animals anyway”.

This week Benton announced that he “was born in the wrong generation”. After stumbling upon a collection of old Monty Python clips on YouTube in the ‘related videos’ to Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, he claimed that “everything is dumbed down now,” and things used to be “better in the old days”. The International Philosophical Symposium, that met in May 2015, described Benton’s work as “refreshing” and “cutting-edge”.

Described by experts as “one-of-a-kind”

“I think that music, especially, was much better in the 60s and 70s. Music nowadays is so produced and made for radio. That just never happened back then. Bands like One Direction are just made by a machine, you would never have a band like The Monkees these days,” Benton said, as he addressed the Symposium of 20,000 leading academics. He was met with 7 solid minutes of applause.

His new book, “Uncultured Swine: Why Things Are Getting Worse”, is available for release in all good bookstores, on Kindle, as an audiobook on Audible and self-distributed on his website and social media as an eBook.

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June 1, 2015

Enrique Iglesias attacked in US drone strike

Spanish singer, Enrique Iglesias, has become the most recent casualty of aggressive American foreign policy. During a concert in Mexico City the singer-songwriter, attempted to cease the strike in a defiant act of freedom-fighting. Iglesias suffered near-fatal lacerations to his fingers but continued the show as a protest to his attackers. According to Iglesias’ spokesman, he – “had no idea Enrique posed such a threat to American ideology,” stating that “his themes of sexual lust and love, are too powerful for American audiences.”

This isn’t the first time Iglesias has been the centre of controversy. In 2001, The King of Latin Pop, released his scathing political protest hit “Hero”, that topped the charts. American Secretary of Defence at the time, Donald Rumsfeld, commented – “the only heroes we need in America are our armed forces, whom we respect and trust as a nation”. The song went on to become an anthem for the anti-war movement and went on to win several awards. Convicted music producer, Phil Spector, called the single – “a weapon of mass production”.

Imitations of Iglesias’ iconic t-shirt have already outsold Che Guevara merchandise worldwide

Iglesias was rushed to hospital in Los Angeles where he is now under heavy surveillance following the expiration of US anti-terror surveillance laws. Fans and activists have taken to wearing red-stained t-shirts as a mark of solidarity.

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May 29, 2015

16 teaspoons of sugar contain almost 50% more sugar than 8 teaspoons of sugar, leading experts say

Leading health experts have released a controversial statement claiming that a teaspoon of sugar may contain approximately 2 half-teaspoons of sugar. The Comfort Food Regulatory Commission found that when exposed to young children, sugar levels increased almost 100%, which is 100% more than if no sugar was consumed at all. Parents and PTA members at Rummikub Mastermind School said the findings were extremely puzzling.

“We can assure you, there is absolutely no added sugar in any of our products,” a spokesman for Tate & Lyle said.

Miranda Reece, a mother of two, said: “I have two children that are earth-shatteringly obese, but I never thought there would come a day when I lost faith in the sugar industry.”

Parents advised to leave their children’s sugar intake up to child’s discretion

Since the findings have been released, sugar substitute sales have skyrocketed. Leading sugar barons, Silver Spoon, have already stated development on their new range of sweeteners, “FeelinGood”, which is cut with 40% self-raising flour to reduce sugar content.

The recommended sugar intake for men is 70g and 50g for women, according to the NHS. Market research identified that a standard bag of sugar weighs anywhere from 1-2kgs, which is almost 29x the recommended amount in one sitting. Sugar watchdog, Ofrot, have recommended that people dramatically increase their salt intake to counteract the mass amount of sugar we are consuming.

A Department of Health spokesman refused to show his teeth.

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May 27, 2015

50 Shades Author, E. L. James, to pen “Coalition Musical” for West End

Controversial author, E. L. James, has teamed up with prolific art-house director Werner Herzog to pen the stage play based on the five-year coalition between Prime Minister, David Cameron, and extracurricular policy onlooker, Nick Clegg. Under the working title ‘C♂alition’, James has been researching her new project for the past five years, working under an alias as Chief Secretary to the Treasury. The upcoming West End show is said to track the masochistic journey from Sheffield Hallam to Downing Street, following its descent into domination, humiliation and submissive conditioning.

“The story of a plucky young professional being seduced by a man in a position of power is a tale as old as time,” James said. “I’ve handled with great subtlety and approached it as a tasteful talking point for middle-aged women around the watercooler.”

Gyllenhaal & McIntyre set to portray the tumultuous pair.

Maggie Gyllenhaal has been slated to return to the stage in the lead role of Clegg and Herzog has reportedly been in talks with Michael McIntyre to make his West End debut as Cameron.

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