Britain For The Brutish

Leading health experts have released a controversial statement claiming that a teaspoon of sugar may contain approximately 2 half-teaspoons of sugar. The Comfort Food Regulatory Commission found that when exposed to young children, sugar levels increased almost 100%, which is 100% more than if no sugar was consumed at all. Parents and PTA members at Rummikub Mastermind School said the findings were extremely puzzling.

“We can assure you, there is absolutely no added sugar in any of our products,” a spokesman for Tate & Lyle said.

Miranda Reece, a mother of two, said: “I have two children that are earth-shatteringly obese, but I never thought there would come a day when I lost faith in the sugar industry.”

Parents advised to leave their children’s sugar intake up to child’s discretion

Since the findings have been released, sugar substitute sales have skyrocketed. Leading sugar barons, Silver Spoon, have already stated development on their new range of sweeteners, “FeelinGood”, which is cut with 40% self-raising flour to reduce sugar content.

The recommended sugar intake for men is 70g and 50g for women, according to the NHS. Market research identified that a standard bag of sugar weighs anywhere from 1-2kgs, which is almost 29x the recommended amount in one sitting. Sugar watchdog, Ofrot, have recommended that people dramatically increase their salt intake to counteract the mass amount of sugar we are consuming.

A Department of Health spokesman refused to show his teeth.