Britain For The Brutish

The World's Leading Centre-Right Left Wing Publication

Month: May, 2015

16 teaspoons of sugar contain almost 50% more sugar than 8 teaspoons of sugar, leading experts say

Leading health experts have released a controversial statement claiming that a teaspoon of sugar may contain approximately 2 half-teaspoons of sugar. The Comfort Food Regulatory Commission found that when exposed to young children, sugar levels increased almost 100%, which is 100% more than if no sugar was consumed at all. Parents and PTA members at Rummikub Mastermind School said the findings were extremely puzzling.

“We can assure you, there is absolutely no added sugar in any of our products,” a spokesman for Tate & Lyle said.

Miranda Reece, a mother of two, said: “I have two children that are earth-shatteringly obese, but I never thought there would come a day when I lost faith in the sugar industry.”

Parents advised to leave their children’s sugar intake up to child’s discretion

Since the findings have been released, sugar substitute sales have skyrocketed. Leading sugar barons, Silver Spoon, have already stated development on their new range of sweeteners, “FeelinGood”, which is cut with 40% self-raising flour to reduce sugar content.

The recommended sugar intake for men is 70g and 50g for women, according to the NHS. Market research identified that a standard bag of sugar weighs anywhere from 1-2kgs, which is almost 29x the recommended amount in one sitting. Sugar watchdog, Ofrot, have recommended that people dramatically increase their salt intake to counteract the mass amount of sugar we are consuming.

A Department of Health spokesman refused to show his teeth.

50 Shades Author, E. L. James, to pen “Coalition Musical” for West End

Controversial author, E. L. James, has teamed up with prolific art-house director Werner Herzog to pen the stage play based on the five-year coalition between Prime Minister, David Cameron, and extracurricular policy onlooker, Nick Clegg. Under the working title ‘C♂alition’, James has been researching her new project for the past five years, working under an alias as Chief Secretary to the Treasury. The upcoming West End show is said to track the masochistic journey from Sheffield Hallam to Downing Street, following its descent into domination, humiliation and submissive conditioning.

“The story of a plucky young professional being seduced by a man in a position of power is a tale as old as time,” James said. “I’ve handled with great subtlety and approached it as a tasteful talking point for middle-aged women around the watercooler.”

Courtesy of The Guardian

Gyllenhaal & McIntyre set to portray the tumultuous pair.

Maggie Gyllenhaal has been slated to return to the stage in the lead role of Clegg and Herzog has reportedly been in talks with Michael McIntyre to make his West End debut as Cameron.