Britain For The Brutish

As well as selling off its 80% stake in RBS, Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has announced the government will also be selling off its 95% stake in loom bands.

The announcement came today in his annual Mansion House speech. The government initially ran up a £26 billion deficit investing in what a financial advisors deemed, “a sure thing”. The government purchased the shares at £3 per share at the beginning of the 2014 summer holidays. Shortly after September the shares plummeted to 35p per share. Institutional investors interested in the remaining stock include Tamagotchi creators Bandai, the distributors behind Scoobies and Pet Rock entrepreneur, Dwayne Johnson.

Loom Bands were projected as a “safe bet” a year ago

The proposed sale is expected to stimulate growth in the failing loom band industry and instil confidence in the main consumer demographic. Mr Osborne said: “Yes, we may have jumped the gun, yes, we may have put too much faith in an unstable industry, yes, we may have trusted the wrong individuals, but the growth of our economy depends on not losing an ounce of reliance in something we’ve invested in so heavily.”

The confirmed privatisation is said to act as a stimulant for competition and protect taxpayers from having to bailout a key cornerstone of British society.

Kerry Whitehall, aged 6, commented: “Loom bands aren’t cool, everyone had them last year but no one cares about them anymore”. Investment research site, Morningstar, suggest the government pool their assets into more liquid markets such as Frozen merchandise. With a sequel already announced, senior Labour MPs have suggested nationalising shares in the Disney movie would be considered, “a stable long-term solution with no foreseeable downsides”.