news | Britain For The Brutish

June 3, 2015

US daycare nurseries celebrate graduates from Class of 2015

American daycare nurseries up and down the country are beginning to celebrate the transition from nursery to kindergarten. The US Federal School Board said – “it is a milestone for the education of our children, and they should be rewarded for their efforts”. Valedictorian for Flowerpetal Daycare, Tracy Sullivan, is graduating with a joint diploma in Building Blocks and Teething. Her mother, Miranda Sullivan, expressed that she is incredibly glad that her infant is finally getting the recognition she deserves.

The Board of Education believe this is a momentous milestone in a child’s education

“I want the best for my child, just like any parent. If Tracy is going to be successful and get into an Ivy League college, it’s crucial she starts getting experience now. Three-years-old is the best time to start padding out your resume and to prove that you’re a winner.”

Former alumnus, David Schwimmer, is set to address the daycare centre with a commencement speech on the 8th July 2015.

June 1, 2015

Enrique Iglesias attacked in US drone strike

Spanish singer, Enrique Iglesias, has become the most recent casualty of aggressive American foreign policy. During a concert in Mexico City the singer-songwriter, attempted to cease the strike in a defiant act of freedom-fighting. Iglesias suffered near-fatal lacerations to his fingers but continued the show as a protest to his attackers. According to Iglesias’ spokesman, he – “had no idea Enrique posed such a threat to American ideology,” stating that “his themes of sexual lust and love, are too powerful for American audiences.”

This isn’t the first time Iglesias has been the centre of controversy. In 2001, The King of Latin Pop, released his scathing political protest hit “Hero”, that topped the charts. American Secretary of Defence at the time, Donald Rumsfeld, commented – “the only heroes we need in America are our armed forces, whom we respect and trust as a nation”. The song went on to become an anthem for the anti-war movement and went on to win several awards. Convicted music producer, Phil Spector, called the single – “a weapon of mass production”.

Imitations of Iglesias’ iconic t-shirt have already outsold Che Guevara merchandise worldwide

Iglesias was rushed to hospital in Los Angeles where he is now under heavy surveillance following the expiration of US anti-terror surveillance laws. Fans and activists have taken to wearing red-stained t-shirts as a mark of solidarity.

May 29, 2015

16 teaspoons of sugar contain almost 50% more sugar than 8 teaspoons of sugar, leading experts say

Leading health experts have released a controversial statement claiming that a teaspoon of sugar may contain approximately 2 half-teaspoons of sugar. The Comfort Food Regulatory Commission found that when exposed to young children, sugar levels increased almost 100%, which is 100% more than if no sugar was consumed at all. Parents and PTA members at Rummikub Mastermind School said the findings were extremely puzzling.

“We can assure you, there is absolutely no added sugar in any of our products,” a spokesman for Tate & Lyle said.

Miranda Reece, a mother of two, said: “I have two children that are earth-shatteringly obese, but I never thought there would come a day when I lost faith in the sugar industry.”

Parents advised to leave their children’s sugar intake up to child’s discretion

Since the findings have been released, sugar substitute sales have skyrocketed. Leading sugar barons, Silver Spoon, have already stated development on their new range of sweeteners, “FeelinGood”, which is cut with 40% self-raising flour to reduce sugar content.

The recommended sugar intake for men is 70g and 50g for women, according to the NHS. Market research identified that a standard bag of sugar weighs anywhere from 1-2kgs, which is almost 29x the recommended amount in one sitting. Sugar watchdog, Ofrot, have recommended that people dramatically increase their salt intake to counteract the mass amount of sugar we are consuming.

A Department of Health spokesman refused to show his teeth.